Gracious Acceptance
Has this ever happened to you?
I used to have these wonderful beautiful moments, and recognize them, but then was constantly pulling myself out of them by thinking; “yeah, but I have this bill that’s due next week, or, I have that dentist appointment in a couple days (not a fan).” My brain would pull me out of that moment of pure enjoyment by letting me know that the moment wouldn’t last anyway so better to dip out now before I start enjoying myself too much.
Maybe I was afraid I would never leave. Or maybe it was self-preservation because I didn’t want reality to hit too hard when the moment did end. Or maybe it was that dark entity that is constantly trying to convince us that we don’t deserve it.
Whatever it was, I would kill my own joy. And I would do that worrying about how and why that beautiful moment wouldn’t last. What the heck?!? Like; “Well, I may as well not enjoy this moment too much cause I’m going to be pulled out of it anyway when I have to start organizing tax receipts tomorrow.”
As if my level of happiness in that moment should be dictated by some semi-unpleasant future event. And I would do this all the time!! What an energy suck and literal kill-joy.
And I don’t know what the trigger was; the shift moment, but it happened. Maybe it was a death in my family that made me really realize that life is short, maybe it was simply a palpable insight that hit me right…
But now I soak those moments up and bask in them as long as I possibly can. Instead of those moments only lasting a maximum of a few seconds because my brain starts talking me out of it, they can last for several minutes!! I’m getting really good at it!!
Driving to Saskatchewan last night I was glancing at the stunning prairie sunset behind me in my side mirror while me and all the kids sang “Sweet Caroline” at the top of our lungs with heart-felt exuberance. It was one of those moments.
My ability to experience happiness is not determined by my future, or even present, worries and anxieties. It’s not determined by my past pain and mistakes either. It’s determined by my ability to be present and my commitment to gracefully receive the gift in it.
